How Can I Love, Honor, and Witness to My Non-Christian Parents?

NATHAN W. BINGHAM: This week on the Ask Ligonier podcast we are joined by the president of Reformation Bible College, Dr. Stephen Nichols. He also serves as a teaching fellow at Ligonier Ministries. Dr. Nichols, how can a Christian love, honor, and witness to their unbelieving parents?

DR. STEPHEN J. NICHOLS: That’s a great question. Of course, if God has opened your eyes to the truth of the gospel, you want that for the people in your life, you want that for your loved ones, you want that for your siblings, and your parents, and your friends. So, I can really appreciate where the question is coming from. Fortunately, we have help because Scripture helps us on this.

In 1 Peter 3, Peter writes—now he’s not talking about children to their parents and sons and daughters to their parents; he’s talking about wives to their husbands, but I think it applies. And Peter says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word”—so what we’re talking about here is wives who find themselves with husbands who are not believers, and Peter uses that expression “who do not obey the word” to represent unbelievers. So, wives married to unbelieving husbands, Peter says to them, “Be subject to your own husbands”—even if they don’t obey the Word—so “they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,” he goes on to say, “when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1–2).

So, this is where we need to begin: with respect—and we’ll see later, Peter’s going to use the word to talk to unbelievers, non-Christians, of “reverence,” but with respect—and then also to back up our message, as it were, with the lifestyle and with the conduct.

So, what is true for these believing wives of unbelieving husbands is also true for believing sons and daughters of unbelieving parents. Your question was framed so well that, yes, you need to love and you need to respect. God has ordained the family. It is a part of the natural law, the natural order of things that we talk about. And whether they’re Christians or non-Christians, all children are to obey their parents and to honor their parents. It’s a part of the Ten Commandments, which is a codification of natural law. And so, having family relationships that are loving, that are kind, that are respectful, are required of all of us as Christians and non-Christians, but especially required of us as Christians, and that’s not contingent on those other family members being Christians.

The other place where we can get some insight is a little bit later in 1 Peter 3. Now here, Peter is not talking at all about family relationships; he’s just talking about Christians and non-Christians. And so, Peter says at 1 Peter 3:15, “But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet,” he adds, “do it with gentleness and respect.”

Well, first, let’s look at the activity there. Peter says, “You need to be ready.” If you get asked: “Why do you have this hope? Why are you a Christian?” you need to be ready to give an answer. So, you need to be prepared. So, you ask, How do I witness to my parents? Well, anticipate some of the questions they might ask. You know them. You know what objections they might have. They might think that, “Well, all Christians are hypocrites.” Well, be ready to respond to that. They may have doubts about the Bible: Can it really be authoritative? Can it be trustworthy? Anticipate that and be ready to give an answer for that. So, we call this apologetics. In fact, we get that word from this verse. The words that are translated “to make a defense” is actually the Greek word apologia, and that’s from which we get apologetics.

But Peter’s not only interested in the message. He is interested in the message, but he’s also interested in how we convey the message—not just the content and not just being willing to give that answer, but how we give it and the manner that we give it. And so, he says, “Yet, do it with gentleness and respect.”

Now, that word translated “respect” in the ESV is the same Greek word back in 1 Peter 2:17, and back in one Peter chapter two, verse 17, we read: “Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” Now, that expression, “Fear God,” is of course the word phobeō, from which we get phobia in English. It’s the same word over in 1 Peter 3:15. We could easily translate “respect” there as “fear.” Now, take a step back from this. Let’s think about what Peter’s telling us. Let’s telling us that we approach non-Christians with the same stance, the same approach, the same attitude as we approach God himself. And so if we are to fear God and we are to fear unbelievers, that means we are to have a deep seated sincere respect and reverence for unbelievers.

So, one way you can’t witness to your parents is by being unloving, unkind, and argumentative. That’s not following Peter’s advice here, whether it’s the specific advice to wives and their husbands earlier in the chapter, or to all non-Christians in the middle of the chapter. So, think very much about that.

And then lastly, I would say: pray. Just pray. You know, there’s all kinds of stories from church history of mothers praying for their wayward sons. Probably, there’s no better story than Monica and Augustine—and, well, she might’ve done more than pray because she also followed Augustine wherever he went all around the Mediterranean world and kept tabs on him. I believe one time Augustine slipped out in the middle of the night, and did not tell her where he was going. She found him anyway. So, that might be extreme. But one of the things Monica never stopped doing was praying for Augustine, and decades later, God answered those prayers. So, we hear lots of stories of parents praying for their sons and daughters—prodigals—to come home. And so, we also need to recognize that God wants the sons and daughters to pray for the unbelieving parents. And so, that’s very important to do in this process of loving, and honoring, and respecting, and witnessing—is to pray. And I have no doubt that you do, but let me just encourage you to be steadfast and persevere in those prayers.